Suppercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

 

Author Charles Duhigg joined Morning Joe to discuss his new book 'Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection' on Feb 20th. 

https://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/what-is-a-supercommunicator-and-how-can-we-all-become-one-204548677560    less than 8=9 min. interview with  Willie  Geist,  Mika Brezinski

 How to converse like  super communicator :

1)  Ask  Deep questions 

2) Prove   you are listening

3)  Determine  what everyone wants 

4) Pay  attention to  more than words

 

Some of the appealing statements  and examples that trigger my interest

• Communication is  superpower. Right conversation at  right time can  make impact and  change everything . 
• Regarding social media based communication: We have to  recognize there are  different  rules  for different communications  
• "The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."- - George Bernard Shaw . This quote encapsulates the essence of many communication breakdowns, where individuals believe they have effectively conveyed their message or understood someone else's, while, in reality, misinterpretations and misunderstandings persist.Shaw's insight underscores the importance of ensuring clarity and mutual understanding in all forms of communication, a theme that resonates deeply within the narrative of "Supercommunicators"

Examples :

• Gun right advocates and Gun control activist who  hate each other . Genuine empathy, curiosity and listening 
• The story of Jim Lawler, a CIA analyst's story , illustrates several key principles of effective communication, especially in contexts requiring deep trust and cooperation. First, it highlights the importance of empathy—understanding and sharing the feelings of another
• Jan 6th role play of talking to someone : "who says Jan 6h is not a beag deal, it was not a resurrection, It was stolen. It was all Biden's fault and his crime family"

Duhigg categorizes conversations into three types: those that focus on decision-making 

1)What’s This Really About?, those that are emotional 

2) How Do We Feel?, and those that address our social identities

3) Who Are We?. Understanding which type of conversation you're engaged in is crucial for effective communication.

Conversations into three types

The concept of "three conversations" as discussed in the book "Supercommunicators" by Charles Duhigg revolves around the idea that most interpersonal communications can be categorized into three fundamental types, each requiring a different approach and mindset for effective engagement. Understanding these can significantly enhance one’s ability to connect with others. Here’s an explanation of each:

1. What’s This Really About? Conversation (Practical Decision-Making)
This type of conversation focuses on decision-making and problem-solving aspects. It involves discussions where the primary objective is to analyze situations, weigh options, and make choices. These conversations are logical and objective, where participants engage in a more analytical and task-oriented manner. The brain's frontal control network, which is responsible for planning complex cognitive behavior and decision-making, is particularly active during these discussions. For instance, a meeting to decide the best marketing strategy for a new product would fall under this category.

2. How Do We Feel? Conversation (Emotional)
Emotional conversations are centered around expressing and understanding feelings and emotions. These discussions may not have a clear problem-solving agenda but are crucial for building and maintaining relationships. They require empathy, active listening, and an ability to share one’s emotions openly. The emotional mindset draws upon neural structures like the amygdala and the hippocampus, which are associated with processing emotions and memories. An example would be a conversation where a friend shares their feelings about a recent breakup, seeking comfort and understanding rather than advice or solutions.

3. Who Are We? Conversation (Social Identity)
These conversations delve into our social identities, exploring how we see ourselves and how we are perceived by others. They touch upon aspects of our personalities, cultural backgrounds, values, and the roles we play in our social circles and communities. The brain’s default mode network, which is involved in self-referential thought processes and thinking about others, plays a significant role here. Discussing how one’s cultural background influences their perspectives or sharing stories that reinforce a sense of belonging to a particular community are examples of Who Are We? conversations.

The story of CIA hiring  foreign agent

The story of Jim Lawler, a CIA analyst, as highlighted in the book "Supercommunicators," serves as a compelling example of the power of connection and communication in high-stakes situations. Lawler's journey from struggling to recruit spies to understanding the essence of meaningful communication underscores several key lessons in interpersonal interactions, especially in contexts that require trust and persuasion.

Early Struggles
Jim Lawler, despite his passion and commitment to his role at the CIA, found himself failing at one of his core duties: recruiting spies. His initial approach, heavily influenced by traditional notions of espionage and persuasion, led to repeated rejections and a growing fear of failure. His attempts at establishing rapport and trust with potential informants, such as a young woman from the Middle East named Yasmin, were initially unsuccessful. Lawler's straightforward, transactional approach, including revealing his CIA affiliation and offering financial incentives, only served to alienate Yasmin, making her fearful and hesitant.

Turning Point
The turning point came when Lawler decided to adopt a more genuine, empathetic approach to communication. Reflecting on a previous life experience in sales, where he realized the importance of honest, relatable conversations in building connections, Lawler changed his strategy. Instead of focusing on persuading or manipulating Yasmin, he chose to share his own vulnerabilities, doubts, and challenges. This shift from a transactional to a relational approach, where he sought to truly understand and connect with Yasmin on a personal level, proved transformative.

Success Through Empathy and Authenticity
By opening up about his own fears and failures, Lawler was able to break down the barriers between him and Yasmin. His willingness to be vulnerable and genuine resonated with Yasmin, who had her own share of doubts and desires for a more meaningful existence. This mutual vulnerability led to a deeper connection, ultimately convincing Yasmin to reconsider her stance and agree to collaborate with Lawler.

Lessons Learned
Lawler's story illustrates several key principles of effective communication, especially in contexts requiring deep trust and cooperation. First, it highlights the importance of empathy—understanding and sharing the feelings of another—as a foundational element in building relationships. Second, it showcases the power of authenticity; being open and genuine can foster a connection that transactional interactions cannot. Finally, it underscores the significance of matching the conversation to the emotional needs and context of the participants, a theme central to the broader discussions in "Supercommunicators."

In summary, Jim Lawler's journey from a struggling CIA analyst to a successful recruiter, through the lens of empathy and authenticity, offers valuable insights into the art and science of communication. It demonstrates that, even in the most unlikely scenarios, the principles of effective communication remain the same: connect, understand, and empathize.